If By Bad, You Mean
by bookdragon01
Summary: Humor/Parody inspired by a line in Phineas & Ferb that was clearly just meant for Dr. McCoy.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: If By Bad, You Mean...**

Summary: Humor/Parody inspired by a line in Phineas & Ferb that was clearly just meant for Dr. McCoy.

Genre: Humor/Parody (okay, basically crack)

Rating: T (McCoy cusses - it's not my fault his favorite word is 'dammit')

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it, but if I did Phineas & Ferb would do a Star Trek parody - can't you just see Phineas as Kirk and Ferb as Spock?

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* * *

"If by bad, you mean we're stuck in the never-ending, icy cold, soul-sucking darkness of space, then, yeah."

- Phineas (Phineas & Ferb 'O_ut to Launch_')

* * *

.

It had been a boring stretch of mapping astrological oddities in a quiet sector of space. Captain James T. Kirk had tried to keep things interesting, but there were only so many odd ball schemes and plot devices that could employed at this point in the 23rd century since holodecks weren't yet standard equipment on starships. Even turning a semi-sapient platypus loose in various areas of the ship to terrorize Lt. Doofenschmirtz had lost its appeal.

The Captain looked at his first officer, sitting passively at his station. It had been weeks since Spock had had to invent a spur-of-moment solution for an end-of-life-as-we-know-it catastrophe or figure out how to create a high tech weapon from pre-industrial components. Kirk could tell that under that cool Vulcan exterior his XO was itching for something really interesting to happen. And so, when Kirk read the latest report from astrocartography, as big smile spread over his face.

"Mr. Spock, I know what we're going to do today."

The Vulcan's only response was to raise his eyebrows in interest.

"Tell Dr. McCoy to meet us in the shuttle bay. We've got an anomaly to investigate."

* * *

About the only person on the ship who hadn't been looking forward to some sort of excitement was Dr. Leonard McCoy, who figured that just keeping Jim Kirk from creating unnecessary havoc quite outside interstellar crises was excitement enough for him. Moreover, there were few things in the universe he hated more than travelling on shuttles. Unfortunately, one of those things was sending Jim off without medical supervision, so here he was about to climb aboard a boxy death trap to go hurtling into what he thought of as 'where no man had gone before because everyone else had had the sense to stay the hell away'.

"Bones, glad you could make it!" Jim beamed and slapped his friend on the back as they entered the shuttle.

"What damn idiocy are you dragging me along on this time?" McCoy groused.

"We are investigating an anomalous energy reading at the center of a nebula." Spock informed him.

"And for this we need the Captain, First Officer, and CMO?" Bones asked. "Shouldn't we be sending out, oh I don't know, some of the scientific personnel we have on the ship who specialize in this sort of thing?"

"Well, Spock _is_ the science officer, so he should go. And even though the Captain isn't supposed to leave on missions, we might run into some gorgeous shaggable alien babe and I can't leave Spock to handle that. Uhura would never forgive me. And of course you're along in case the alien babe has a violent father or boyfriend, or in case we run into some weird space virus instead." Jim explained. "But it'll probably be just a fun little side trip. I mean, with the three of us to handle things, what could go wrong?"

"Yeah, what could _possibly_ go wrong." McCoy muttered sarcastically as he took a seat. He was getting nauseous just thinking about it.

* * *

"Captain, the anomaly is coming into sensor range." Spock reported. As the data appeared on his screen, Spock's eyebrow shot up so quickly McCoy wondered if it might reach escape velocity. "We are experiencing a sudden power drain."

"Status, Spock." Kirk ordered.

"Power decreasing steadily, Captain. At this point we will not be able to make it back to the ship."

"Communications?"

"Something in the nebula is interfering. I cannot contact the _Enterprise_."

"What are our options?"

"Very few, Captain." Spock replied with uncalled for calm in a situation that ought to inspire at least a little panic. "We cannot return to the _Enterprise_, remaining power is insufficient even to bring us to the anomaly to investigate the source of the power drain and we have no means of signaling for help."

"Well, I guess you were right Bones." Jim admitted. "Maybe this little jaunt was a bad idea."

Bones glared. "If by bad, you mean we're stuck in the never-ending, icy cold, soul-sucking darkness of space, then, _yeah_."

"Chill out, Bones." Jim said with the confidence of someone who knew that no one on the shuttle was wearing red. "Something will turn up to get us out of this."

Almost on cue, Spock indicated his control panel. "I am receiving a transmission." His eyebrow rose again, but more slowly this time. "They are inquiring if we require a 'jump'."

"A jump?" Kirk asked.

"I believe it is a colloquialism of some sort. One could hope that it relates to restoring our power or returning us to a closer proximity to the _Enterprise_."

"Well, here's a thought: why don't you ask them?" Bones snarked.

Spock simply raised his eyebrow higher in response, but turned to the comm panel. "We would be most appreciative of any assistance relating to the restoration of our power supplies or transporting us beyond the nebula's subspace interference."

There was a long silence on the other end. They were probably working through a dictionary to try to figure out what Spock had said.

Bones rolled his eyes. "Our power's shot and we could use some help getting out of here." he barked into the comm.

"Well, why didn't you just so?" Someone replied from the other end. "We'll be right out to get you."

* * *

_AN: I've watched and loved ST since TOS, but had to throw in some friendly jabs at some of the plot devices and stereotypes in TOS and TNG. My kids introduced me to Phineas&Ferb recently, and I love them. I've made a couple references to that show so far. Any suggestions for other necessary catch phrases ("yes, yes I am" will be in the next chapter) or things you'd like to see will be gladly accepted._


	2. Chapter 2 Aren't You?

_Apologies to readers: the line that started this plot bunny was written down from memory and I got it wrong! After checking the wiki for 'Out to Launch', I have corrected the mistake in the 1st chapter._

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Chapter 2 - Aren't you... ?

* * *

Mitch: Aren't you a little young to save the universe?

Phineas: Yes. Yes, I am.

(from Phineas & Ferb 'The Chronicles of Meap')

* * *

.

The spaceship that appeared off their port side could only be described as truck-like, if by truck-like, you meant having the appearance of a pile of ancient half-wrecked trucks all smashed together (but with cool multicolored flashing lights scattered around the perimeter). After docking their shuttle and coming aboard, Kirk, Spock and McCoy were greeted by a small group of aliens with numerous tentacles, too many bulbous eyes, and randomly arranged antennae. Kirk sighed inwardly. None of them looked at all gorgeous or even female. But given that they were rescuing them, Jim figured they deserved a little of the patented Kirk charm anyway.

"Thank you and greetings." Jim said, flashing his best first-contact smile. "I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation starship _Enterprise_. This is my first officer, Mr. Spock, and Dr. McCoy."

The alien who seemed to be in charge, looked at Kirk skeptically. "Aren't you a little young to be captain of the Federation flagship?"

"Why yes, yes I am." Jim grinned confidently in reply.

Strangely, the leader of the group seemed to take that as explanation enough. "Well, I'm we're Gitchee Gitchee Goos. We're just visiting from another dimension but it looks like maybe we zapped your power so we figured we should help you out. Care for a milkshake while we charge up your ride?"

"Thanks, that would be great." Kirk said.

"Right this way." The alien lead them back into the ship toward a doorway emblazoned with a neon sign reading: Shooting Star Milkshake Bar.

McCoy took out his tricorder and scanned for anything hallucinogenic. Of all the bizarre things they'd encountered in the middle of what ought to be harmless clouds of space dust, this had to be the weirdest yet. But the tricorder showed nothing likely to cause hallucinations ...Of course, logically if there were hallucinogens, he might be hallucinating that the readings were normal... Bones shook himself - begin thinking that way and he'd either go insane or start sounding like Spock. He wasn't sure which would be worse.

"If you are from another dimension, may I inquire how it is that you are familiar with both the Federation and an earthen beverage such as a milkshake?" Spock inquired smoothly, as though there were nothing at all even vaguely disturbing about the whole scenario.

"Well this is hardly the first time we've been to this dimension. You see, our ship is powered by an improbability drive and your dimension contains an amazing number of improbabilities. Why just the fact of your existence - a hybrid born from a union between members of two completely alien species - ought to get us halfway to our next destination! But one of the side effects is that we tend to pick up some improbable additions to the ship along the way. One of the better ones was the milkshake bar." The alien extended several tentacles approximating a gesture of ushering them in.

The scene inside resembled the bar from a completely different science fiction series, except that all of the patrons were drinking milkshakes.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Fascinating."

The Doctor just gaped in disbelief. Space madness - it was the only possible explanation. He had been sitting in the damned shuttle, staring out the viewport and the never-ending, icy cold, soul-sucking darkness of space had finally gotten to him. If somewhere back in reality Jim and Spock were trying to figure out how to snap him out of raving delirium it would serve them right for dragging him along on this cockamamie mission to begin with.

Jim, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to the weirdness surrounding him because lounging against the bar coyly sucking pastel milkshakes was a lovely collection of exactly the sort of extraterrestrial females he had been hoping to run into. Kirk straightened his Captain's tunic and swaggered over.

"So is there a flavor of the day?" he asked, glancing not-all-that-casually down the row of lusciously curvaceous ladies.

"Slusho." The squarish purple bartender replied without missing a beat.

Jim nodded. "Slusho it is."

The woman next to him smiled. "Hi Captain. Whatcha doin'?"

"Call me Jim. I'm just waiting for my shuttle recharge." He flashed a trademark grin. "But I'm open to suggestions, Miss...?"

"Isabella," she said. "I'm here with the Fireside Girls."

"Aren't you all a little grown-up to be Fireside Girls?" Jim asked.

"Why, yes, yes we are." She grinned. "But now we can all finally get our trans-dimensional travel badges. After that all that left are our Mary Sue badges." She sipped her milkshake and smiled sweetly. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to help with those?"

.

* * *

.

_AN: AU Kirk is even more of a hound than in TOS (where every female on the ship and most on the planets were invariably beautiful). Bar scene was mandatory. 'Mary Sue badge' comes from the fevered brain of a RL friend, but it was just too good not to include. Don't worry, Kirk seldom gets all far in TOS and this a kids' cartoon parody, so it's not going there here either.  
_

_The milk shake bar in the P&F episode is probably a reference to Miliways from_ The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, _so I had to throw in a reference to _Hitchhicker's Guide._ Besides, what else could explain it?_


	3. Chapter 3 There's a Reason

Chapter 3 - There's a Reason There Were Seldom Bar Scenes in TOS

* * *

"It's the final frontier, baby."

(Final Voiceover in 'Let's Take a Rocket Ship to Space')

* * *

Jim Kirk could hardly believe his luck. The hot babe at the bar had actually told him her first name! He had no idea what a Mary Sue badge entailed, but if he could help, especially by performing his role as chief hero and stud muffin, he was all for assisting them. The chance of mission success in seeking out female companionship and exploring new kinds of close encounters was definitely improving.

In the corner a band of retro-looking aliens began playing a variety of almost familiar-looking instruments while one bearing a remarkable resemblance to a bug-eyed version of Frank Sinatra crooned:

"Let's take a rocket ship to space  
I hear it's a real swinging place  
There isn't much air, or gravity there  
The stars will make your heart race..."

Jim took this as his cue to embark on a montage of scenes in which he displayed his boyish charm for the Fireside Girls.

* * *

A short distance away, Spock nudged the dazed doctor, forcing him to unwillingly refocus on the strangeness around him. "Doctor, I believe the Captain may require our assistance."

McCoy looked in the direction Spock indicated. "Well, look at that. Jim found beautiful young women. What an unexpected surprise." He widened his eyes. "And by unexpected, I mean _completely expected_! What in that scene makes you think that he needs or wants our assistance Spock?"

"The Captain's heart rate has elevated rapidly. I was concerned that he might be having an allergic reaction to his milkshake."

"And you've never noticed that happen before when he's surrounded by beautiful women?" Bones rolled his eyes at Vulcan naiveté.

Spock straightened in a mildly affronted manner. "I am not ignorant, Doctor. Simply because I am not prone to experiencing sexual arousal myself... " He paused, head tilting slightly as he thought about that. "...No, wait. That's the other Spock... I completely comprehend the Captain's reaction."

Bones momentarily raised his eyebrows. "Right. Well, come on. Let's go help him."

It was Spock's turn for an eyebrow lift. "But, need I remind you that I am completely committed to Lt. Uhura and you are still too bitter from your divorce to be interested in pursuing those women."

"This isn't about pursuing them, Spock. That's James. T. Kirk and even if it's only selling milkshakes, that's a bar. It's only a matter of time until a fight breaks out."

Spock looked impressed. "That is a surprisingly logical conclusion, Doctor."

* * *

A short time later, McCoy was comfortably installed in a seat at the milkshake bar a safe distance from Jim's shenanigans. If he was suffering from space delirium, at least the delusion wasn't all that bad. Who knew there was such a thing as a mint julep milkshake? It actually wasn't half-bad, especially after he'd added some real bourbon from his hip flask. Spock on the other hand, had allowed himself to be drawn into Jim's wake and was being forced to behave sociably. McCoy grinned to himself. There were few things he enjoyed more than watching Spock trying not to look uncomfortable when he was put on the spot.

"C'mon, Spock, live a little." Jim wheedled. "At least try a milkshake."

"Captain," Spock explained patiently. "Milkshakes are excessively sweet to Vulcan taste buds and, as they have no nutritional value, it would therefore be illogical for me to try one."

"No nutritional value Spock?" Kirk replied in feigned shock. "Why there's milk in milkshakes! There's hardly anything more nutritious than that. And you can add all sorts of healthy fruit flavors."

"Heavily sweetened fruit flavorings can hardly be counted as nutritionally valuable." Spock maintained.

"Excuse me, Mr. Spock, but milkshakes are very adaptable." remarked Grethen, one of the Fireside Girls who was clearly shooting for points toward that Mary Sue badge. "If you find normal milkshakes too sweet, you could try one with peanut butter. It's slightly salty and an excellent source of vegetable-based protein."

"Excellent idea!" Kirk enthused, beaming at Gretchen. "Barkeep, one peanut butter cup milkshake for my first officer."

The minute the shake appeared, Kirk shoved it into his XO's hands. "Try it, Spock. That's an order."

Spock's eyebrows rose in a way that suggested that he was seriously doubting Spock Prime's assertion that he and Kirk were destined for an epic friendship, but sipped the beverage. The eyebrows rose higher.

"Well?" Kirk asked.

Spock took another sip. "It is moderately pleasant."

Kirk slapped him on the back, prompting another eyebrow high jump. "See, I knew you'd like it!"

* * *

Spock was halfway through his third peanut butter cup milkshake when it dawned on McCoy that there was more than peanut butter in peanut butter cups.

"Spock, stop." he warned. "There's chocolate in that."

"I am aware of that, Doctor." Spock said, continuing to down the shake. "However, you need not be concerned. The concept that Vulcans can become intoxicated by chocolate is clearly mythological. Given our similar physiologies, the logical substance to choose if one wished to induce inebriation in a Vulcan would be Romulan ale. Of course," Spock added with an expression that could only be described, given the position of his eyebrows, as a supercilious, "no self-respecting Vulcan would ever drink that."

"Okay," McCoy allowed. "You just seem to be going through those kind of fast."

"I have never tried peanut butter before." Spock replied. "It is surprisingly stimulating."

McCoy pointed an instrument (which closely resembled a salt shaker) at Spock and then planted his forehead on the bar. Vulcans might not react to chocolate the way humans did to alcohol, but it looked like they reacted to peanut butter the way humans did to caffeine. He was just wondering what he had in his medkit to deal with a wired Vulcan when a shadow fell across the bar.

The beefy hand attached to the source of the shadow descended on Jim's shoulder, spinning him around. Jim twisted against the hand's grip, causing his shirt to rip and expose a glimpse of his manly chest. (Strangely no one else's shirt ever tore due to anything short of a bladed weapon. Bones secretly suspected that Jim sat up nights loosening the stitches on his shoulder seams).

The owner of the hand was not impressed. "Just what do you think you're doing with my girls?"

However, before Jim could respond everything faded to a commercial break.

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_  
AN: Hope you're still enjoying this. I've always found the Vulcans-inebriated-by-chocolate thing both funny and illogical, so I had to take a small swipe._

_btw, I learned a new team while researching Mary Sues:_

_Kirk Syndrome (noun):  
The inclination of a lead character (generally male) to fall for/seduce/be enchanted by (mystically or otherwise) the local alien sex pot(s) (usually female) and engage in a relationship (generally sexual, or the Ancient, glowy, tentacle equivalent) that lasts for only an episode or two and is never mentioned again and has no apparent side effects or strong emotional attachments._

_Somehow I just had to share that with you all._


	4. Chapter 4 I'm Too

Chapter 4 – I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt

* * *

_I see you somehow managed to get your shirt ripped off again._

— Alexander Dane, _GalaxyQuest_

* * *

Kirk looked up at the towering being confronting him. He had a certain amount of experience (to say the least) with large, angry males interfering with his progress in picking up ladies. However, while the humanoid before him certainly looked angry, it also appeared to be female. Or at least it was difficult to imagine a male having the sort of huge and complex hairdo that made even Texas-style big hair look like a pixie cut. For a minute he was actually left speechless just considering the three teased-out tufts connected by inter-looping braids. It was by far the most elaborate hairdo he'd ever seen, and given yeoman Rand's hairstyle, that was saying a lot.

Jim had never been known to back down from a challenge, but he was frankly caught between two conflicting impulses. On the one hand was the urge to go tough guy in response, but since the challenger was, at least nominally, female this was counterbalanced by the impulse to charm his way out of trouble.

Fortunately, he was saved from deciding by the intervention of his XO.

"Excuse me, Madam," Spock interrupted, speaking rather more quickly than was his usual wont. "But would I be correct in assuming that despite the relative proximity in your apparent ages, you are the den mother for these Fireside Girls?"

At the sight of the Vulcan, the woman unhanded Kirk, seeming to forget him completely. "Yes, yes I am." She might even have batted her eyelashes as she answered.

Kirk's jaw literally dropped and McCoy accidentally snorted his milkshake.

Completely oblivious to all of it, Spock proceeded to reply in rapid fire. "Then allow me to assure that my Captain has been behaving in an entirely appropriate fashion as your charges have expressed an interest in obtaining their Mary Sue badges. Engaging his interest earns points in that endeavor, but you need not fear for their virtue as both Dr. McCoy and myself have been chaperoning and would never permit anything untoward to occur."

The den mother appeared to be considerably mollified by Spock's reassurance. "Well, I'm certain with the two of us working together, there will be nothing to worry about." she said, lacing her hand around the Vulcan's arm.

Spock's eyebrows ascended as light began to dawn in his accelerated brain (normally it would take several scenes before he realized a woman was making a pass at him). "Pardon me, madam, but surely you meant 'the three of us' as the doctor is also engaged in monitoring the situation."

"Oh, he seems to have things in hand, so why don't we discuss strategy? Or I could show you how I earned_ my_ Mary Sue badge." she purred like a cougar.

Spock would normally have turned stiff as board, except that with the amount of peanut butter in his system he wound up almost vibrating like an overtightened string. He shot a desperate look at McCoy, but getting only a very amused smile in return, realized he was on his own. "Given the Captain's unfortunate state of partial undress, I do not think it would be wise to abandon our duties as chaperones at this time." he improvised swiftly.

"Well, we can take care of that!" the den mother declared and clapped her hands sharply. "Girls, who has her sewing kit?"

The whole row of ladies instantly produced needles and thread seemingly out of thin air.

"Excellent." The den mother pointed at Kirk. "Take it off."

When had James Tiberius Kirk ever refused an order like that, even from a weird, middle-aged chick? That there was a nice audience of not-so-weird, young, sexy chicks made compliance a gimme. He began to shrug the shirt off in the most manly manner possible, inspiring someone in the band to play a riff of _I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt_.

"Don't encourage him, dammit!" McCoy yelled throwing a spoon at them.

Strangely, a large, blue insectoid snatched the utensil out of mid-air, and shouting "SPOON!!" went charging at the nearest doorway. However, instead it slammed into a pillar which had no apparent structural purpose but nevertheless resulted in tremors rolling through the entire ship upon impact. Patrons in the bar were thrown willy-nilly, often (in defiance of any conceivable laws of physics) in completely opposite directions.

McCoy, used to being the only person on the bridge not seated when the _Enterprise_ shook in a similar manner, rolled deftly against the bar. Spock, much to his discomfort, found himself pinned under the den mother, while Kirk _somehow_ managed to be thrown into a succession of Fireside Girls in a way that allowed him to 'innocently' cop a number of feels.

Suddenly red lights began flashing and a computerized voice announced: "Improbability overload. Cliché explosion imminent."

* * *

_AN: Quote from GalaxyQuest is mandatory for ST parodies. Bonus points to anyone who catches the other non-ST parody reference._

_Props to **Neomeneomine** for giving my the idea for the snarky reference to Rand's hair._


	5. Chapter 5 More Peanut Butter

Chapter 5 - More Peanut Butter

* * *

"We're gonna need a blow torch and some more peanut butter."

-Ferb (Phineas & Ferb 'Rollercoaster')

* * *

As the shaking subsided, Spock was the first to his feet. This was normal in similar situations on the _Enterprise_ bridge, but fueled by peanut buttery stimulant and a desperate urge to disentangle himself from the den mother, he hopped to with far greater alacrity.

Two of the aliens who had first welcomed them aboard dashed (or whatever you might call the way in which squid-like things moved quickly on solid decks) into the milkshake bar waving their tentacles in a distressed manner. "Abandon ship!" the leader yelled. "Every being for itself!"

Ensuing panic was brought to an abrupt halt by a whistle from the den mother than made one of Adm. Pike's whistles sound like a sparrow's tweet. As everyone was regaining their hearing, she stood. "Don't panic!" she commanded, pulling a towel from somewhere and snapping it for added emphasis. "Everyone will line up and exit in an orderly fashion. Now!"

As the mass of patrons complied, she turned to her troop. "Girls, what does the Fireside Girls Manual say about improbability overloads?"

Isabella stepped smartly to the front. "According to Chapter 8092, subsection 8, paragraph 12, the moment the computer announced an explosion was imminent it became so probable that it's likelihood was all but eliminated within the improbability field. However, there can be no guarantees against any other resulting disaster, up to and including the ship and all passengers turning into giant Aldorian chickens." She paused for breath. "In other words, we're screwed."

"On-the-contrary-miss" Spock replied, speaking almost as fast as an auctioneer. "If-I-understand-the-basic-theory-of-the-improbability-drive, then-all-that-is-required-is-to-engage-the-drive, thus-utilizing-the-excess-improbability. A-jump-of-3-dimensions-should-be-sufficient-to-mitigate-the-immediate-danger."

The entire bar paused. "Huh?" they said collectively.

McCoy, accustomed to Jim on hyper setting and the way Spock talked in general, translated. "Start up the drive and jump 3 dimensions. It'll clear up the overload."

"I only wish 'twere tha' easy laddie, but we kenna do it." opined the other alien, who was clearly the ship's engineer. "That collision broke a joint further up and we've lost bolt 473. Tha' bolt was a crucial strooctural member."

At this announcement a further wave of panic ensued, until the den mother's snapping towel brought some order to the evacuation procedures. Much to McCoy's dismay, Kirk and Spock remained rooted at the bar, carrying on a hushed, but extremely rapid, discussion.

"Well, didn't you hear him?" Bones demanded. "Let's get to the shuttle. There ought to be at least enough power to get a fair distance away by now."

Spock looked at him, eyebrow raised but twitching like his forehead was shaker table. "There-is-no-call-for-concern, Doctor."

"No call for concern?! Are you out of your Vulcan mind?" the physician yelled. "There's the never-ending, icy cold, soul sucking darkness of space! And the possibility of dying in it as a giant Aldorian chicken!"

"Bones," Jim said with undue nonchalance, "you can't let fear rule your life. Don't worry, we've got a plan."

And with that Kirk strode purposefully toward the aliens, preparing to speak to them in a succession of dramatic pauses. "Gentle beings ...there is no cause ...for alarm." he declared with accompanying theatrical gestures. "My science officer ...Mr. Spock ...believes he can ...solve this problem. ...All he needs ...is access ...to the location ...of the compromised joint ...and ...a laser welder."

"And-some-more-peanut-butter." Spock added hurriedly.

As the aliens rushed to comply, McCoy pulled Kirk aside. "Do you really think it's a good idea to let him have more peanut butter?"

"He'll be fine." Kirk assured him. "When has Spock ever not been able to pull it out in a clinch no matter how incapacitated he seems to be?"

"I'm just a country doctor, Jim," Bones drawled (suddenly remembering he was a southerner). "But I don't put much store in him being able to use a laser welder with his hands shakin' like that."

Jim considered Spock, who was practically vibrating from the Vulcan equivalent of swallowing an entire package of chocolate-covered espresso beans. "Well, that can't be good. Maybe we should just have him tell you what to do."

"Me? I'm a doctor, not a construction worker, dammit! Why don't you do it?"

Jim shrugged. "Because you're the one with the steady surgeon's hands."

"Excuse me," interrupted one of the Fireside Girls, "but I have my laser welder's badge. I can do it. I just need you to sign some liability waivers."

Kirk burst into a grin as he signed the proffered padd. "Well, that's serendipitous."

* * *

_AN: I know, the Pine!Kirk didn't do the Shatner dramatic pauses thing, but I just couldn't resist. For anyone not familiar with TOS two common tropes are McCoy being concerned that Spock can function and Spock pulling it out no matter how bad off he is (he once saved the day despite the fact that his __**brain had been removed**__. Seriously.)_


	6. Chapter 6 The Exciting Conclusion

Chapter 6 - The Exciting Conclusion

* * *

"Well, we were all watching it. And quantum theory states the mere observation of an experiment changes its outcome."

-Ferb (_Phineas & Ferb_, 'Don't Even Blink')

* * *

Moments later, after a thrilling sequence of dodging through shaking and tilting decks and dodging random bursts of steam and sparks, the alien leader, Kirk, Spock, McCoy and the Fireside Girls were gathered at the location of crucial missing bolt 473 and swiftly affected the repair.

Spock inspected Katie's work with mild surprise. He was beginning to come down off the peanut butter rush, but still speaking rather more quickly than his usual wont. "I had originally intended to fashion a replacement bolt from components extracted from my tricorder, but, although not technically 'street legal', your innovative approach of welding together bobby pins appears to be remarkably effective."

"Excellent work, Katie," the den mother noted, handing over a badge. "Saving the day with bobby pins is an automatic Mary Sue."

Katie bounced with delight and threw her arms around Spock in celebration. Kirk and McCoy, who had been bracing sections of girder for reattachment, exchanged a look. Some aspects of this new time line really sucked.

"Spock..." Kirk widened his eyes and held his arms with hands up in the universal signal for 'WTF?'.

Spock immediately stepped back and straightened his tunic, but Jim could swear the Vulcan's eyebrows were smirking at him.

"Improbability overload remains: special effects imminent." a computerized voice announced, just in case anyone had forgotten.

"It should be safe to engage the improbability drive at this time." Spock informed them. "We should be able to return to our shuttle and reach a distance beyond the improbability horizon before the drive initiates in approximately 4.6789321 minutes."

"Approximately?" McCoy rolled his eyes; he long since given up working out how Spock calculated these things to six decimal places.

"Dependent upon the engineer's reaction time in engaging the drive." Spock explained.

"Well, let's get the hell out of here then." Bones exclaimed.

"Wait." Kirk took Isabella's hand. "Will I ever see you again?"

"I fear not." she said, knowing that female love interests never appear in more than one episode. "Goodbye, Jim."

They embraced for a dramatic farewell kiss.

::Ahem:: McCoy cleared his throat. "Hello? Less than 5 minutes to escape - you want to speed up the tongue gymnastics?"

* * *

After another run through shaking decks and falling props, Kirk, Spock and McCoy arrived at the shuttle to find the hatch stuck and unresponsive. Spock quickly (it was still his only mode of operation) tore off the instrument cover and hot-wired the controls, resulting in an impressive shower sparks (particularly for a fiber optic system), but the hatch finally slid open.

As they climbed aboard and engaged thrusters to pull away, the whole shuttle shook. McCoy glared at Jim. "It'd serve you right if I threw up on you."

"Relax, Doctor," Spock advised, which might have sounded more calming without the stimulant edge in his voice. "We are operating well within system parameters and therefore perfectly safe."

The effect of that reassurance was somewhat degraded by a piece of cargo from the alien ship breaking free and transforming into a giant rubber chicken as the improbability drive engaged. Spock was forced to maneuver sharply to avoid impact and then steer through a shower of enormous lawn gnomes as the shuttle struggled to push past the improbability horizon (which was conveniently displayed with a funnel-like mesh of curves on the dashboard computer).

"Perfectly safe?" McCoy yelled. "This is obviously some strange meaning 'safe' I've never heard before."

"Bones, chill out." Jim said.

"Chill out?" Bones exploded. "Need I remind you: never-ending, icy cold, soul sucking darkness of space." He gestured at the forward screen.

"We are nearly beyond the event horizon." Spock stated. "Preparing to jump to warp, at ...mark 42."

However, instead of the usual streaks of white that signaled the warp effect, the screen looked like a kaleidoscope.

"Close your eyes." Spock commanded.

McCoy didn't know why the Vulcan had ordered that, but he wasn't about to argue. After a few terrifying seconds of feeling like he was on a giant roller coaster (which lead Jim, of course, to yell 'Whoo-hoo!'), the shuttle fell back into the normal sort of disconcerting vibration that Bones was unreasonably grateful to experience.

"You may open your eyes now." Spock informed them. "We are safely beyond the quantum improbability effects where multiple observers might have severed us into divergent outcomes."

Kirk and McCoy looked at each other for translation. McCoy shrugged. "I've got no idea."

"Quantum theory states the mere observation of an experiment changes its outcome." Spock explained patiently. "Had we all watched while within the field, we might have been torn between competing possibilities, or improbabilities, as the case may be."

"Okay…" McCoy said. "But are we any closer to getting back to the _Enterprise_?"

Spock merely raised an eyebrow in a way that said 'Wait for it…'

A second later the comm chirped and Uhura's dulcet voice welcomed them back and asked what they had found.

Kirk flashed his trademark grin. "Lieutenant, you're never going to believe this…"

.

* * *

_AN: And cut to credits and theme music._

_Hope you've enjoyed this. Please review. Praise, criticism, and all other non-monetary (see disclaimer at start) currencies gladly accepted_.


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